As an atheist walked through the forest, he smiled at the beauty that was all around him and said, "What natural wonders the powers of evolution have created."
Just then he heard a rustling near the river. He went to investigate and a 7-foot-tall grizzly bear was tearing down the path towards him him. The man took off like a shot, and when he got up the courage to look back, he saw the bear was catching up fast.
He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace, but he tripped and crashed to the ground. As he tried to get up, the bear jumped on his chest and picked up one paw to whack him.
The atheist screamed, "Oh my God!!!"
Time stopped! The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed from the heavens, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said.
The light went out, the river ran again, and the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together, bowed its head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
Two rednecks are fishing on their respective sides of the crick. Just as soon as one redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank. The other was catching nothing, so he yelled out, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the crick!"
"Aight, tell ya whut, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled back.
The other replied, "T'ain't no way, buddy. I know you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"
What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?
A cock that stays up all night!
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice
evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left
of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights
"There's no way they can catch a BMW", he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I
don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your
driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend", said the officer.
Q: Why did the moron keep a picture of himself on the wall?
A: So he could see what he looked like every morning.
A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the road. The man at the wheel looked very confused and scared.
"What's going on here, sir? You were swerving like a manic. Do I have to make you take a breathylizer test?"
"No Sir! I haven't had a drop to drink. It's just that I was driving along when all of a sudden there was a tree right in my path. I swerved to miss it, but there was another tree. And after that, another, and another!" The cop looked around the inside of the car and sighed.
"That's your air freshener. Move it along, dumbass."
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Yankee Doodle went to town
A-riding on his mother
Every time he hit a bump
He had another brother!